I stood on the scale and looked down in dismay. I knew I had made some bad decisions that week, but I didn’t think it had been THAT bad. As I stepped back, I wondered once again why I was even trying.
It felt like I had been trying for years, with no result. Well, that wasn’t really true. I was seeing a change. Every week the numbers on the scale went up, no matter what I did. Sometimes, if I did everything exactly right, I could lose two or three pounds. It might take a month for that to happen, but every time, it felt like hope. And then one day I would skip a workout, because I was really tired or my legs hurt, or just because I was human and a skipped workout sometimes happens, and in one day those three pounds would come right back. It was like there was a magnet attached to my body, and those pounds would just latch on.
Have you ever been so mad that it took your breath away? So mad that you could feel it eating away at every positive feeling in your body, like a cancer? A few years ago, I was pissed off. Really infuriated. Not like "I'm having a horrible day" mad. Not even a hot, volcanic rage that explodes and then is all over. This was a cold, slow-burning fury, although periodically it did explode, all over whoever happened to be nearby. But I didn't want to be mad. So I convinced myself I wasn't. A year later, I was still mad. It took another year before I was able to move beyond the anger. During that time, I lost many opportunities for love and beauty in my life.
Pulling out of the driveway, I took a deep breath and tried to swallow the anger. It wasn’t working. I could feel it shooting out of my fingertips, scorching the steering wheel. Why can I never get ten minutes to myself? Why does something always come up and get in the way? Why do my kids always need me RIGHT NOW as soon as I pick up a book? Why does someone in my family invariably NEED to talk to me as soon as I hit play on my podcast?
You know that photo that has been circulating for awhile with this perfectly balanced rock tower? There’s often an inspiring message that goes with it. I have one in my office, actually. My husband made it. It’s very good. It has the perfect rock tower with the words “you are enough” under it. He’s very talented and he did a lovely job on it. The problem is, the message kind of sucks.
I mean, the sheer flawlessness of the tower combined with the words “you are enough” are like an indictment of our Western culture, aren’t they? You can almost see the “if” that is implied in that photo.
You are enough if your tower is perfectly balanced.
You are enough if you make for a pretty picture.
You are enough if you have everything lined up just right.
Hi there, I'm Amy. I'm so glad you're here. I'm a writer, photographer, mom, wife, and highly sensitive introvert, just trying my best to show up fully for myself, my family, and my life. It all gets a little crazy sometimes, and it helps to have a place to connect honestly about what's really going on. This is my place.